Lansi Eelam

There has been much talk about ethnic rights, separatism, and discrimination these past two decades in Sri Lanka. Tamils fight for their Eelam, Muslims demand their share of control, and Sinhalese just want everything. But all of you have forgotten something, no? Who is there to fight for the burghers? Who will care for them? All this discrimination against us, calling us names like ‘kalu sudha’ and generally taking no notice of us. What nonsense is this, child? You come to our parties drink our beer and then say,

“Burgher buggers became beggers by buying brandy bottles”.

Aney, what a sin. How much we are discriminated against. It is time we all take a stand. Enough is enough! We want our own Eelam, and we want it now! A petition is going around, and all you chaps get together, unite and follow us for our own Eelam!

‘We write on behalf of the Lanseelam Association of Australia Inc., a body which was recently formed for the purpose of defending the rights of Burghers in Sri Lanka. For long, we Burghers have suffered in silence and watched with rising indignation the gradual erosion of our rights and privileges in the land of our birth. From the position of total supremacy which our forefathers formerly enjoyed, we are now being reduced to voices crying in the wilderness. Not only have we been stripped of our high social position, but even economically and politically, we have degenerated into an oppressed and downtrodden community. We therefore feel justified in staking our own claim to a section of Sri Lanka stretching from Galle Face Green to the Bambalapitiya Flats. This territory will be designated Lansi Eelam and will comprise a safe haven for those of us whose culture has been threatened with extinction.

The message that spells out what this is all about:

– English will be the state language and medium of education in Lansi Eelam.

– A certain measure of social intercourse with the natives will naturally be permitted but legislation will be introduced to prevent over-familiarity.

– Severe penalties will apply for especially serious offences such as the contamination of old Dutch Burgher recipes. Such penalties will include that dreaded torment: deprivation of liberty and lamprais for 20 years.

– Dutch will be our second language and will constitute the lingua franca of the new Parliament shortly to be set up within the hallowed precincts of a new Burgher Recreation Club [BRC] headquartered at Wolfendaal.

Proposed actions:

We have sent urgent communiquès to our fellow Burghers scattered throughout the world informing them of this venture and soliciting their support. On the 406th anniversary of the arrival of the Dutch in Ceylon [2008] we estimate that 50,000 Burgher loyalists here in after to be known as the Wolves of Wolfendaal, will land in Sri Lanka at Bentot and Hambantot and march in a glorious struggle for freedom and Lansi Eelam.

Those who have eked out a miserable existence in lands where breudhers never rose and love cakes never set, where hearts ached for the smell of Kehel Kola to wrap their lamprais, and the powerful aroma of Poffertjis at the tiffin table – all these will now come into their own again.

The Burghers will return en masse to claim the Lansi heritage of yore, ready to die in the attempt. Summoning up their ancient Dutch courage, they will march forward relentlessly – Lansi kakula, nikan kakula, Lansi kakula, nikan kakula – from Galle to Kernigalle, from Cockeye-Kade palliya to Newreliya, gathering the support of their long-suffering kinsmen en route.

We therefore give you prior notice of our intentions and, in addition, request you to solicit the support of the local Burgher community in this most worthy cause. As you are aware we always prefer to utilise peaceful democratic methods in the pursuit of our legitimate aspirations. If these fail, however, we will be compelled to cannonade Colombo with stale breudhers, an offensive that will spread panic. This offensive will be followed by Dhadiya Daapu Bunnis to ensure certain victory. The Liberation Wolves of Wolvendaal will march under the Sapaththu Kodiya..

Long Live Lansi Eelam !

Yours sincerely

Suzie Cockroach

General Secretary

Lansi Eelam Association of

Australia, Inc.

Gather together Burgher Brethren, step forward, lift up the standard and march on to our very own Lansi Eelam!

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15 comments
  1. omg!!! 20 years without lamprais!! kill me now 😀 did you know that the sri lankans in canberra regularly have lamprais flown in from melbourne??

  2. Deane said:

    Awesome indeed. secession is so much fun. Do ask for more land tho, at least the size of Singa. Think about it Singa.. totally doable. no need to worry about farm subsidies, and samurdhi, and all that nonsense. count me in, I can be a sinhala Kotia-version of the rebels. Do we have an animal yet? all the cool ones are taken.

  3. Diordna said:

    Reserve me a place! Are Sarongs allowed? I like the cool breeze on my future burger generations!
    (I did not know what lansi until I read the article halfway.)
    Man you are good, thank you for reminding stuff that we tend to forget!

  4. Sean said:

    Brilliant!!!

    I remember many moons ago, when a couple of my grand uncles (fuelled on scotch and devilled beef) proposed a similar “freedom struggle” for the lansi.

    As for the animal mascot… they decided to go with the flow and adopt the cockroach. If I remember right, they wanted more land though. Galle Face to Mount Lavinia with a flyover at Wellawatte!

    Key additions to the constitution:

    1) Booze and beef available all year round (price increases on Poya days for non-lansi).
    2) Copyright royalties claimed on Baila music released by non-lansi – Minster in Charge would be Ronnie Leitch.
    3) The use of phrases such as “Burgher parcel”, “Burgher party” etc. will be restricted to Lansi Eelam and any wanna be Lansi’s will we dealt with accordingly (to protect our culture).
    4) Lucian Henricus’ smash hit single “Pretty Foxy Hen” will become the national anthem.
    5) Lamprais production (which will be a key foreign income earner for Lansi Eelam) will be given BOI status.

    There were a lot more suggestions that got crazier as the night progressed but my memory fails me as I may have overdone the G&Ts that night…

    Fight on my burgher brethren!!!

  5. Gah! Forget everything else, we need more lansi’s to cross breed with non-lansis. Because that produces the hottest of hottie offspring.

  6. janusis said:

    Galle Face to Mount sounds good, and the restrictions on the wannabes should definitely be imposed.

    Our mascot might have to be the cockroach (After all it is the evolutionary pinnacle)

    Sarongs are allowed, but no groin scratching.. Musical farts allowed too..

  7. Deane said:

    hah! u discriminating *&^%%#!

  8. I’m so in!

    Bring the area so it covers DBU. Then no need to build a new parliament no?

  9. Islander said:

    Hey mate,

    So can natives apply for visa in lansi eelam ?

  10. janusis said:

    As it says:
    “A certain measure of social intercourse with the natives will naturally be permitted but legislation will be introduced to prevent over-familiarity.”
    🙂

    @ Deane, we are just protecting a wonderful Lansi Culture from degradation..

  11. JP said:

    The HQ is already in place…. it is called Burgher King

  12. DTC said:

    Why is this thread dying? Come on you Lansi Wolves of Wolfendaal, this at least deserves a Facebook page.

  13. fabian said:

    you know despite all the humor there is some truth in all that is said. Burghers have indeed been the suffer in silence type as their rights and freedoms were stolen overnight, as they were forced to call a mother-tongue a language they hadn’t even bothered to learn in all their existence. An eelam sounds a bit too far fetched but i do think its time we stop sitting in our old planter’s chairs and telling our grandchildren about the long-gone era when we enjoyed a golden dynasty, and tell the world of our oppression. We might not have an ’83 to boast open anhilation, but i think that there is a systematic attempt to wipe out all traces of colonialism and with it the obviously included poor burgher population that can barely stand another single man leaving the island with his pet budgie.

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